


One left doesn't make a right

by Accal1a



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Amputation, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Violence, Lightwood Siblings Feels, M/M, Parabatai Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:33:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25137739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accal1a/pseuds/Accal1a
Summary: A simple mission goes wrong in one of the worst ways possible. Alec is the one who pays the price.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 25
Kudos: 111





	One left doesn't make a right

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Skylar102](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylar102/gifts).



> I blame the Malec server.

The mission was supposed to be simple, which was really how Alec should have known that it would be anything but.

They tracked the demons across a large swathe of New York, despatching them as they went, but every time they got rid of one it seemed like a further two appeared in its place. The half-present nature of the demons didn't help. They were only visual at a certain angle, which made it very difficult to fight them without doing some intense acrobatics. Thankfully, the Lightwood siblings had been training since they were children, and when Jace had joined them they continued. Jace and Alec worked together so well it was like watching a well-choreographed dance seeing them fight. Izzy's whip swung through the air, even more accurate than Alec's bow or Jace's swords, luck on her side when the electrum despatched some demons that she hadn't been aiming for, but passed through that space anyway.

When they followed some demons into an abandoned warehouse, they should have had the upper hand. The smaller space should have allowed them to banish them quicker, the sheer amount of space that had been reduced should given them the advantage that they had been sorely missing in the fight up until this moment.

That wasn't the case at all.

As ever, Jace and Alec twirled around each other, moving in sync together, until Jace moved to the right when he should have moved to the left, giving the demon the time and space to reach for Alec's right side.

It's scythe-like arms swung down, and to Alec, who was attempting to turn to take up the space Jace had vacated, it seemed like the movement was in slow motion, until searing pain lanced down the right side of his body and time moved back to normal speed. The pain caused him to cry out a harsh cry that sounded guttural even to his ears, as if he were the extension of the broken moans the demons were making themselves.

Jace nearly whited out from the pain that lanced down the right side of his body, so he had no idea how Alec was even still standing, how Alec had somehow managed to draw his dagger and stab the very last demon through the eye, where it dissipated.

It was only then that Jace saw Alec turn white and sink to the floor, his bow clattering on the concrete at his feet and his left hand covering his right---

Jace sank to his knees beside his Parabatai, still not quite sure what he was seeing, because Alec had his left hand over the clean line where his right arm _should_ be, and there, lying on the ground was his right arm, the hand still clutching the string of the bow as if it were about to fire. There was little blood, the demonic ichor seeming to have cauterised the wound, but it was still alien to see the limb resting there on the dirty floor when it should be vibrant and attached to his brother instead.

Alec was rapidly losing consciousness, and Jace got into place behind him so that he could rest against his chest.

"Iz!" He shouted, to get the younger Shadowhunter's attention.

The woman had been scanning the area, cracking her whip in various directions, making sure they really were clear.

"IZZY!" Jace shouted, and the panic bled into his voice, which seemed to be what was needed because she spun quickly, her hand coming to her mouth as she took in the tableau in front of her.

She took a small step forward before seeming to come out of her daze and reaching for the phone in her pocket instead.

"We need support at…fuck where are we…never mind." Izzy said, hanging up on the ops centre Shadowhunter who was probably rather confused considering the sheer lack of information she had just imparted. She hadn't even said which patrol they were on, the man would have no idea which group needed support, but she couldn't worry about that right now, she'd take the reprimand if needed, there were some things more important. Instead turning to a speed dial she had used many times.

"Magnus, we need you." She said, and there must have been something in her tone, because the warlock hung up immediately, and seconds later the maelstrom of a portal appeared next to Alec.

"What…" He started, but then saw his lover on the ground, and he had to hold back the bile that threatened to overwhelm him. He had never been gladder that he had forced Alec to take a token, so he was easy to portal to, regardless of whether he knew the location himself. This situation right here had been worth the argument they had over it. It was definitely needed right now.

He took an overview of the situation, briefly indecisive about whether he should be taking him to Catarina or to the Institute and the Silent Brothers. He wasn't quite sure which Alec needed, so he erred on the side of caution and threw up a portal to the Institute. Time was off the essence. Alec wasn't going to bleed out, but the possibility of him being poisoned by the demonic venom was very real.

Jace hefted Alec into his arms, and Izzy moved to pick up Alec's arm, the heat dissipating from it something that she could barely stand. It felt too much like dead flesh, too much like something she would look at in a lab, and she could barely stand it; but she shouldered that burden, because her big brother needed her, and that was all that mattered.

All that mattered to any of them was getting him home, getting him safe, getting him healed.

~~~

Magnus didn't really remember much of what happened after that. He knew he got Alec to the Institute, knew that Silent Brother's were called, and he was peripherally aware that one of them was Brother Zachariah, and he was glad of it. If the worst happened, it would be nice to have a friend there to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart.

Eventually, his friend did leave the room that Alec was being treated in, and his face was grave, making Magnus' heart sink. He took a deep breath, looking up into his friend's eyes, expecting to be told that they had lost him, and he didn't know what he would do with himself if that were the case.

"James?"

"He's not out of the woods." His friend said. "But he isn't going to die."

Magnus sagged in relief, and his friend caught him, helping him to sit down on a chair outside the infirmary.

"That's not all though is it?" Magnus asked after a moment, knowing the man next to him very well. They'd grieved enough people, fought enough battles, to know when the other was working up to telling bad news. He found that familiarity desperately sad.

"No, it's not." Brother Zachariah replied. "His arm…the demon blood cauterised it, so he didn't lose much blood, but the ichor affected his body to such an extent that we were unable to reattach the limb. Blessings from the Angel combat the demonic nature of much, but this is not something that can be fixed."

"But with magic…" Magnus said, moving to stand again, even knowing he wasn't the best person to use healing magic, but willing to try if it would make his lover whole.

The other man took his arm to stop him from rising. "Catarina was here."

"She was?" Magnus breathed, completely surprised. He had clearly not been paying attention to his surroundings if his oldest friend had arrived without him realising.

"She's still in with him now, but even she couldn't reattach it. There is something in the way he was poisoned that doesn't respond to magic either. There is nothing to be done, he will never have use of his right arm again."

Magnus brought a hand to his mouth at that, thinking of all the things that he will have lost. "But he's an archer." He breathed. "He won't be able to…"

"I know." Brother Zachariah responded, and they lapsed into an unhappy silence, until people had vacated the room and Magnus was able to enter.

~~~

It took what seemed like an age for everyone to leave, and Magnus opened the door slowly, seeing his partner curled into himself on the bed, his left hand still clutching the flat plane where his right arm should be.

"Alexander?"

Alec turned to see Magnus, and his eyes looked glassy, though there were no tear tracks on his cheeks, as if he had waited for everyone to leave before he let himself break.

Magnus moved to sit beside the bed, reaching an arm out for Alec, who shied away from him.

"Alexander." He repeated, unable to stop a level of concern seeping into his voice.

Alec stiffened. "Don't pity me, Magnus. I couldn't bear that."

"I'm not." Magnus replied, a little hurt by the accusation, despite his feeling exactly like that.

How could he not partially pity his partner, who had just had his entire life changed? The man would never be able to use his primary weapon again, he would never be able to draw runes with the precision he once would, he may never even be able to go into the field again. His young life had changed irrevocably, and it had only been on this very day that it had happened.

"Your magic can't fix this Magnus! Leave me alone."

"Alexander..."

"Get out." Alec whispered, turning away from him. He couldn't bear the look in his eyes. "Just GET OUT!"

Magnus opened his mouth to say something more, but realised he didn't know what that could be. He decided pushing the issue would only give Alec more anguish, and with that in mind, he honoured his wishes. He didn't want to do anything at all to bring more sadness into his lover's eyes.

After a moment Alec heard the door close with a quiet snick and he wrapped an arm around his chest, folding in on himself and hoping in the next moment this would turn out to be a bad dream as the room swam as he finally let the tears fall.

It wasn't

~~~

"I don't know who I am without my archery." Alec said to Isabelle many days later, when he was out of the infirmary and instead in his office.

They hadn't taken his Head of Institute role away from him, but he knew that it was all a matter of time. No-one wanted a leader who couldn't go into battle with them, no-one wanted a disabled leader who was unable to understand the rigors of the battlefield, who was unable to die with his troops, no-one wanted a leader who was half a man.

"You're still you." Isabelle replied, touching her hand to his remaining arm. "You're still the bravest man I've ever met."

Alec scoffed at the tone of her words. How could he possibly be that when he wouldn't have the chance to show his bravery off in future? He was broken now and nothing to his men, to his family, or to his love.

"You are, and you'll be able to work within this issue, just has you have worked on any other obstacle in your way in the past. I have no doubt about that." Isabelle said kindly.

Alec scoffed again. "Behind a desk in Idris if I'm lucky, I don't even know where they'd shove me if not, maybe they'd force me into the Brotherhood."

Isabelle baulked at that idea, watching her brother be turned into something 'other' didn't bear thinking of. "You think they'll stop you from being Head of Institute?" She asked quietly.

Alec laughed derisively. "Yes, I think they'd want someone whole in that role."

"Your military mind hasn't stopped working…"

"You think that'll matter to them? Actually the Brotherhood is the likely move they'll push me into."

"They can't do that!"

"Can't they?" Alec all but growled.

Izzy opened her mouth to speak again, but Alec waved her away.

"Just leave me alone, Iz."

"Alec…"

"Please, just leave me alone." Alec repeated, softly.

There was no malice in his tone, just a bone-deep weariness that his family had noticed and heard from him over the last week, and which their words could do nothing to assuage.

"Jace wants to see you." Isabelle said quietly.

"Not yet." Alec replied. "Please, not yet…I can't. Tell him...tell him whatever you want, I just can't yet."

"Okay big brother, okay. You rest." Izzy replied, patting him on his remaining arm before leaving the room quietly.

Late that night, when Alec was once again lying down and staring into the darkness of his room, he turned over, onto his right side, where he snort laughed that he was now never going to have the problem of his arm falling asleep when he leant on it. That small laugh turned into an aborted sob, until the tears were falling freely from his eyes, spilling down his cheeks.

It was as if each one was a dream he had held, and every one that evaporated was the death of each of them.

~~~

"He doesn't want to see me, does he?" Jace said as soon as Isabelle walked into his room the following day.

Isabelle considered lying for a moment, but decided that wouldn't do any of them any favours. "No, he doesn't…but he will."

"I hope so." Jace said quietly. After a moment he started to speak again. "He's not wrong you know."

"Jace…"

"No, Iz. You don't get it, I can feel his anger, I can feel his fear, I can feel every emotion he's feeling, and some of it is betrayal. I _betrayed_ him, his trust in me as his Parabatai. I was supposed to be there for him, I was supposed to be his equal in battle, to fight with him, not against him, and I failed him. I may not have chopped off his arm myself, but I'm no less guilty for it being gone. He's right to hate me. I hate myself too."

"Jace…" Izzy repeated, going towards him.

"No, Izzy, it's okay. I just have to…I have to learn how to live with that, I guess. I need to do everything I can to atone for that sin, and he's right to make me do so. I deserve it."

"Jace…"

Jace just shook his head, and Isabelle decided to leave the matter for the moment.

~~~

Eventually, Magnus managed to persuade Alec to come home with him. It took some effort, and he vaguely wondered whether Alec thought that if he left the Institute he would never be allowed back through its doors.

"Here we are." Magnus declared as they arrived at his loft.

"I'm not a child, Magnus." Alec said tiredly.

"I know that." Magnus replied quickly, and stopped himself from reaching for Alec and bringing him closer to him. He had lost an arm and not a leg, so he didn't need to lean on him.

"THEN STOP TREATING ME LIKE ONE!" Alec shouted suddenly, gesticulating with his arm, and spinning very slightly when he was unable to compensate for the fact that his second arm wasn't there. "I DON'T NEED YOU BABYING ME!"

"I'm not trying to…" Magnus started.

"You might not be trying, Magnus, but that's how it's coming across. I know that I'm not what you wanted, I know that I'm broken now, but I don't need you of all people to make me feel like that!"

"Alexander, you're not br—"

"DON'T!" Alec said, raising his voice again. "Don't you _dare_ tell me I'm not broken. Don't you fucking _dare_. I don't think I could bear it if you started lying to me now too."

Magnus did move towards his partner, then wrapping his arms around him, and holding on tightly when Alec tried to push away. "You are _not_ broken, Alexander. I will tell you that every moment of every day until you believe it."

Alec seemed to collapse into Magnus' arms after a moment, and let himself be led over to the sofa. Magnus conjured soft blankets out of thin air, and got them situated on the chair, Alec leaning against Magnus' chest.

"There is nothing about you that has changed." Magnus whispered into his ear.

Alec tried to turn in Magnus' arms, but Magnus held him strong. "There is _nothing_ that has changed about you. You may physically be different, but you are still the same brave, smart, honourable, caring person that I fell in love with. _That_ hasn't changed at all."

"How can you…" Alec said, but then choked on the words that he was trying to let out. He knew that Magnus would be well within his rights to leave him, because he didn't sign up for this. He would like to think that their love was stronger than that, but he also wasn't going to hold his partner back if there was anything he could do about it.

"I love you, Alexander." Magnus said, seeming to realise just what Alec was thinking. "And that means I love you whether you are young or old, sick or well, through any emotion you can think of, and then some. What you look like makes no difference to me."

"How…" Alec asked, and this time he did turn in Magnus' arms, and Magnus let him. "How can you say that?"

Magnus sighed, though he was smiling softly too. "If it were me…if I'd lost my arm, or leg, or had some sort of injury and was no longer whole, no longer the man you fell in love with, would it matter to you?"

Alec was almost offended by the implication. "No! Of course not!"

"Well," Magnus replied softly, "then why should it be any different for me? I _love_ you, Alexander."

Alec nodded, finally seeing that for what it was. He might have changed his prospects in his professional life, but his personal ones hadn't been affected. He hadn't realised quite how worried he had been about whether Magnus would leave him or not until that very moment, and then he started to feel the guilt of it, how he had not given Magnus enough credit.

"I'm sorry." Alec said, leaning up with his arm to cup Magnus' face with his hand. He looked in to Magnus' eyes, seeing only love reflected back to him. "I didn't mean to suggest…I love you too."

"You have nothing to apologise for, Alexander." Magnus said, leaning down to kiss Alec, brushing his lips against his lover's for mere moments before pulling away. "We'll get through this…together."

Alec nodded once, before turning back around to lean against Magnus' chest. Magnus flicked a wrist and the fluffy blankets tucked in around them.

As Alec drifted off into an uneasy rest, Magnus held him in his strong arms, vowing to hold him close so he didn't feel alone for even a second.

~~~

For Alec, the days seemed to blur into one. He still went to the Institute, still acted out the role of Head, but he felt like he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every day that there wasn't a missive from Idris was yet one more day that he wondered just why that was the case, yet one more day when his brain cooked up all sorts of scenarios of what they could want from him, or what they would expect of him.

He started to wonder whether they instead were expecting him to contact them. Perhaps he should be falling on a sword. Should he be the one stepping down from his current post? Should he be the one suggesting he joined the Brotherhood? Should he be the one asking for a different post in Idris instead? He didn't know, and the stress was threatening to tear him to pieces.

He hadn't spoken to Jace in weeks, couldn't bear to even think of him some days. He knew that it wasn't fair on his brother, especially as he could feel the sick feeling of guilt in his own gut which hadn't waned one bit since the incident, but the fact of the matter was that this had indeed been Jace's fault. He had gone the wrong way, after nearly 15 years of fighting together, he had chosen that one moment to fail his Parabatai. They had fought together so many times that their movements should have been fluid, should have been as easy as breathing, and they had been. Every single day of their lives they had been.

Except for that one day.

Did Alec have the right to judge Jace for one day's mistake when there had been so many other days where his brother had had his back? There had been so many other days where a movement on Jace's part had saved Alec's life, so many other days where Jace had moved in exactly the right place, so many other days when they had fought and killed demons together and despatched them well. Was it fair of Alec to judge Jace for one mistake? He knew that the answer to that was probably no, but he also knew that this was a pretty fucking big mistake. Jace could have saved his life thousands of times, but this one day he had failed to save his very body, and what use was a Shadowhunter without that?

Alec thought that may be what he was becoming hung up on. He felt like if Jace had got him killed it would have been easier to deal with than this. Jace had taken away something integral to his life, and he didn't know when or if he would be able to forgive him for that.

As if summoned by his thoughts, he heard a knock on the door to his office and he had told the person to come in before he looked up, and regretted his decision immediately when he saw his Parabatai peering around the door in front of him.

"Can we talk?" Jace asked quietly.

Alec was so fucking fed up with people speaking quietly around him. "What?"

"Can we talk?" Jace repeated, coming into the room now he hadn't been summarily dismissed.

"I should start locking it." Alec muttered. "About _what_?"

"Alec…" Jace said, again, as if by saying his name he would work out just how he was going to proceed.

"What, Jace?" Alec said, and he didn't sound angry anymore, just exhausted. "What is there even to say at this point?"

"I just want to be here for you."

Alec looked up with a look of such hatred Jace nearly took a step back. "That's the problem isn't it? You _weren't_ there for me. At the precise moment I needed you _right there_ you were gone. So please tell me what the fuck I should be saying to you now?"

Jace opened his mouth to speak, but found he didn't know what to say, Alec wasn't saying anything that he hadn't said to himself hundreds of times over the last few weeks. Alec wasn't saying anything that he hadn't dreamt and dreamt over and over again. He hadn't been there. He just had not been where the other half of his soul needed him. He just _wasn't there_.

Jace took a breath, opened his mouth again, but still wasn't able to talk. He was the reason for Alec's condition, and he would be paying for that for the rest of his life. Every time Alec looked at him from now on, he would think of that betrayal, the hatred and horror would flow through their bond like the demonic ichor that stole his limb…and Jace would deserve every little bit of it.

The words died in Jace's mouth as he tried to think what he could say. There really was nothing he could say, nothing he could do to make this in any way better. Apologising sounded trite even though that was all he wanted to do. He wanted to fling himself at Alec's feet and apologise until he could do nothing more, but he wasn't sure that would do either of them any favours.

In the end he went for the honest answer to Alec's question.

"You're right. I wasn't there, and I should have been." He paused. "But if you'll let me, I won't leave you again."

Alec looked at him for long moments before inclining his head to gesture to the chair in front of his desk.

Jace sat down, and they looked at each other, not speaking, their bond the only thing that connected them.

It was a start.

**Author's Note:**

> Fancy joining a multi-fandom Discord server where you can ~~squee with~~ chat with like minded people? Have I got the place for you!
> 
> Come and join **The Fandom Playhouse**. You don't have to be mad to [join](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD), but it does help...


End file.
